Monday, April 03, 2006


There was a time when I never remembered birthdays. Or when I remember them it's been gone like a thought that just passed me by. Heck! There was even a time when I did not celebrate anything at all. What?!! Celebrate life? Why! What is there to celebrate anyway? You live, then you die. That's that. There really is nothing else that there is. Celebration's just "a waste of effort!" Pointless, pointless, pointless!!!

Then I've come to my senses... in a round about way, I suppose. I thought, "Life can be what you make it to be." No, this is not a metaphysical thought that Sartre would come to believe. There really is some truth to the saying, "The glass is either half-empty or half-full... you pick."

One of the stark memories I have in my distant past was the year after I migrated here in the US of A. I came back home, worked my way at the burger grill of McDonald's (Daj, I did achieve one of our ambitions, i.e. work at McD while in college, hehe!), only so I can buy a plane ticket to be with the "one I loved." So there I was, with the "one I loved." I had fun. Mind you, I had great fun, just being with her, spending time together, riding the jeepney (or taxi), and eating, and hearing her talk. I remember she talked for what seemed like hours (ooops! teka, teka), but to me they were like songs being sung by an angel. I can sleep knowing that she was right there with me... Anyway, what really stuck in my head was our conversation one day in her apartment. We were sitting down, and out of her frustration, she started to cry. I know why she was mad. She wanted to know what is going on in my life. I was seven thousand miles away and my visit was the one time we can share our lives together, catch up with lost time, share memories, share the joys and the pain... in a sense, to be together, our hearts, our souls, our mind. But I... I couldn't. For the life of me, I could not speak! I could really not speak!!! As much as I open my mouth, words would not flow. It's like the door was slammed shut and in my heart, there was nothing coming in, and going out. I never can really understand what happened there.

Then time moved on, we eventually broke up. She started seeing somebody else, then I started seeing somebody else as well. Fast forward.

Years went by and we never really talked. It was more because I was avoiding her. She used to make my girl (who was my coworker at the time) so mad whenever she called the lab I was working at. And I either pretended I was busy, or that I was not there. "I hate phonecalls," I used to say, "I don't like talking over the phone."

Another fast forward. In another twist of fate, me and my girl for seven years broke up. My life finally caught up with me. Or, put it another way, I was never able to catch up with her. It was at this time that all the mysteries started to unravel before my eyes. Now I know why I hated phones. Now I know why I never talked about myself. Now I know why I grind my teeth at night. Now I know why I never really look at myself in the mirror. Now I know why I never called my old friends and say hi. Now I know why I never gave gifts. Now I know why I could not speak that one day she begged me to say something. Now I know why I never celebrate birthdays...

...I was in so much pain.

I used to say this: "First you hate the pain. Then you become numb. Then it starts to grow on you. Pretty soon, it becomes your friend, and that is already when you never remember what life was like without it."

So there. This is part of my love story. I don't really feel like saying much about it not because I deny it happened, but only because I've experienced it enough and now I want to move on. I need some distance from these memories so I can feel the ray of light that's shining down on my face. I mean it when I say that the world is beautiful. It may get ugly at times, but I think it's not good to dwell on the negative side of things. "You let the pain penetrate you fully," as Morrie would say, "only so you can step away from it and experience the beauty that there is."

Anyhow, like I was saying, I have some catching up to do...

Day2, happy birthday!!! Akala ko sabi mo birthday din ni Aldwin? Happy birthday na rin kung sakali, ha? Ingat. Huwag muna kayong magtatatapon ng mga pinggan... (:))


At 11:16 PM, Blogger m said...

that was a torrent of words! are you planning to make up for all the "wordless" years in a year? :-)

At 3:31 PM, Blogger PinkiPod said...

Makabagbag damdamin. Closure. Lazer.


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