Wednesday, May 03, 2006


What a freak! Crazy... crazy, crazy, crazy!!!

Pero, kung ako man ay tanungin, I did experience craziness, right down to the core. Has anybody heard of MD? Nope, not the masters degree that you all hold. And yes! "What's going on in Major D's head" (a paper I once wrote). Although, psychologically-speaking, if you place yourself in the bell-curves of mental traits to diagnose what kind of disorder you have, you will find that everyone, including you, has some mental instability. Nobody is sane. Everybody is crazy!!! Crazy! Hah! You crazy you!!!... Yep! I know that you will deny insanity. And don't worry, you're not insane. People who have really gone insane actually know that they are insane. I knew. I have gone through it. The only good part about it is that I have not taken any medications. But then again maybe that's the reason why it took me so long.

I'll tell you guys a bit of my experience. One aspect of my depression were times when I would sleep (SLEEEEEEEEEPP!!!) for days. I could not wake up. I want to, but I can't. I'm stuck in bed. Worse, at the end-part of the second day, I will experience some kind of an electrical shock. The sensation is intense enough that it would paralyze my body for many seconds. Then comes relaxation. And then another series of shock again. Somehow, I manage to get off it, but I always feel this constant pain in the lower back of my head.

I also know I was depressed because I secretly wanted someone to help me out but somehow I could not muster enough strength to seek it. Somehow, I wanted somebody to rescue me but I cannot speak it out. At the time, I tried hard to get myself out of bed, tried to imagine happiness, pretend that everything is okay,... but it never seemed to work. The more I try to bail myself out of it, the worse it gets. At some point I knew that I was on a downward spiral and that I can never get out. Worse, I knew that my life was closing in on me, that the shadows are ever present, that I am forever alone in this dark, damned place, that life ---has lost its entire meaning. In psychological terms, I have what they call learned helplessness. Translated personally, I died, because I felt that there was no hope left for me.

There were times when I never answered phone calls. I don't want to talk to friends. I do things by sheer forcing myself to do so with no motivation whatsoever. I do things because it needs to be done, not because I want to. I never talk about myself. People I talk to always wondered how they can talk forever about their lives to me and yet they feel that I am a distant shadow, elusive, like a ghost even, cold as white; because they never know a single thing about me. I listen to their stories, and give them advice. But I never gave mine. Only because I did not think my life had significance.

However, in spite of all the downfall and the senseless living, I somehow managed to bring myself out of depression. Don't get me wrong. It is not solely me that played a part on this. John Donne is right. No man is an island, entire of itself... People. Real people. Humans. Fellow travelers of the land. The were here all along. They are family. They are together with each other, and I am in their midst. But I just chose myself to not be part of it, of them. To not let them in. Yet I somehow came to a crossroad, a fork in the road, and I had to choose again between living or being dead, of embracing love or formenting hate, of holding back my feelings or letting them in. And so I chose. And a new life began to unravel before my eyes. Thank god I didn't do a Van Gogh.

It's a long road to get back to living again. It's still a long road. But I've started the trek once more. And guess what? What do you know? All of you are traveling with me all along, all this time. "Hah!" I say, "What a serendipitous surprise!"



Fresh hands
Fresh face
Freshly cut hair
Newly washed clothes
And a genuine smile
Relishing the sun
Learning how to walk
Learning how to care
Including one's own self
Learning how to love
Overcoming the fear and the pain
Learning how to be one's self
In the presence of the world
The people,
The one.
Learning that it's okay, it's okay.
To cry.
Learning how to cherish the moment as they come.


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