In search for a method... or song.

For Now, But I Do Not Know Until When
by Lumad Alunsina

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For now, but I do not know until when….

I shall not look for talbos ng kamote

I shall not visit my suki in the market for fresh tops

I shall not let the tears of onion permeate through the leaves and stalks

Like tan imaginative salty tears rolling as I expect for your signal of coming by

I shall not chop up ginger and smell the oil- spicy smell of its fragrance

I shall not slice tomatoes and bell pepper to make it yummy

I shall not ask for special bagoong from pangasinan
I shall not slice green mango to add flavor

The fun memory of preparing that salad I must leave now

I was denied to fulfill the cute promise of offering this to you

I knew then, I was not among the people you are excited to see….

I shall not turn the pages of duplo & karagatan

For I still have to feel the spirit of enthusiasm

of you scribing on it

No precious and cherished moment writing replies

Except for one when you asked about religion

You were eyeing for someone then,
She is pious and religious you said
And somehow you said
you want to spend the rest of your life with her

Where is she now by the way?

I shall not visit folk houses, bistros, and nightspots

Along Timog, Visayas , and Project 2-3

do not want to remember anymore

I shall not look back of latest travel if only remembering you

I was embarrassed to myself when i anticipated warm presence of yours...
i was embarrassed to myself when i looked forward to your joyful welcome

I shall not ask any favor from you

For I am afraid to be refused either by silence or inaction

When our path would cross

I shall l not ask you to dine with me for talbos

I shall not l ask you for updating or short storytelling

I shall not ask you for coffee together

Because in my heart I know, you will creatively refuse

I thought then, you were a rock

I was wrong

For you,

It was I who is just a rock and a shadow?

I blame not myself

I blame not you my dear friend

I blame only sentimentality

I am now releasing this pain of my own creation

Sharing this to cold wind of January

And the moon as my gracious witness.

nevertheless

In my heart, you will always be a friend.

i will always treasure you
and remember that at the time i met you
i have seen your pain
and when you whisper about
emotional death, i would want to command
the highest heaven
for your resurrection

in so many ways
you have been through brokenness
you have enough of that
hope that healing would bind all your wounds
and may you receive the grace of forgiveness
from those whom you have hurt

I shall remember the art of your proletarian hands
I shall remember your name A.......

I shall forever believe in you

maybe there shall come a day or a moment
when i shall be no longer a rock nor a shadow to you---

...I shall wait for that moment to come