Friday, June 02, 2006

We so often say that "home is where the heart is" but I don't think we realize the extent of how it's very true. This expression takes on a whole new level of truth for me. I have always wondered why I never felt home here in the US (Yep! Sad, but true). Ever since I left PI, I think I was never able to plant myself again. Just like slow-moving turtle that kept to its shell. Or a seed that never wanted to grow. I lived my life, but often times I thought I was a "living dead." Routine, mechanical, bored, just moving from place to place, day by day. I left my friends in PI, I left a lot of good memories there, I left someone so very special, I left my place in the world... in fact, the moment I boarded that plane over 15 years ago, I left myself.

Now, fast forward to 15 years, 2 months, and 5 days. Here I write my last blog before I go back to PI. I took a day off work to catch up with myself. A lot of things happened this last year. Things have slowly unraveled before my eyes. Of course, I fought with my self, and all the defenses I put up in between me and my soul, which may even span the length of the Great Wall and as high as the satellite routinely passing by in the sky. And somehow, in the midst of letting go and not giving up, I'm finding myself back again. Myself, the mixture of biochemical gooo, electrical impulses, and disorganized behavioral patterns, has slowly taken back form to a clean-cut simpleton with the mind of a man and the heart of one, all shaken down together, self-organized to a stable pattern which can be seen through the lens of a phase portrait and a gaze into one's soul.

Finally, after all the nagging and seemingly hopeless nights of people watching over me, caring for me, loving me... I am home. I find that home is not only a geographical location (whether it be a house or a region) that a person goes to. It is also a place in time. Yet we live in the present moment. My problem was that I was never present in this spatio-temporal reference point of now, and with this I can never achieve my unity of being with the world, including you and the rest of the gang. But it's okay now, it's okay. I'm home, baby. I'm home.

I'm sorry it took me too long to find my way back. But what's important is that I'm here, with you. With you, wherever you are, wherever I am.

The place we were before is not our home. Nor should the memories of old be mistakenly called one. We can reminisce, or course! And we should. That's our right as middle-aged people, remember? (SMILE!!!) But our home is here ...together ... now. In our hearts, in our minds, in our willingness to engage with each other, in our constructive nature to create life ---for each other, for the children, for the world. In between the past and the future lies the present, and that is us, now.

So to all my friends and foes alike... Watch out! I'm back!!! ---SMOKIN!!!... (but just about ready to quit). I'll see you all in the light of day!!!


At 3:17 PM, Blogger kauban said...

sounds like a love letter of some sort... but I swear to god! I was thinking of nobody and everybody. So take it like it is, ok? Walang malisya. At 'di to kabadingan no? Senti-senti lang.

Melo, ano'ng gusto mong pasalubong, kiss o tsokolate? Pili kang mabuti... hindi ako yung magbibigay :)


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