Wednesday, April 04, 2007

Well, here I am. I'm up to just had it with working. Putting up hours at work like crazy. Can't seem to see the light of day when it comes to figuring out, "am I gonna make it this month for my bills? for uncle Sam?" Life seem to take its toll on everybody. Well, that may be an understatement. Or maybe a misconstrued phrase. Because what I'm finding out is that the more I work, the less I can emotionally feel. And to a psychologist like I perceive myself to be, it begs the question of "how can one move to action when without emotions, there is no drive (or motivation) to function?" Emotions play a pivotal role in human activity. Sensory stimuli trigger certain sets of impulses (or motivation) cognitively arranged to produce a series of action. Once you get rid of the motivation, you eliminate the perceived need to act (or react). A classic case is found when Lithium is injected into a manic-depressive patient (Lithium is an emotional depleter or "baseline regulator" as stated in scientific literature); such patient seems to not function at all because there is no emotion to govern his/her behavior. Well, finally, I have discovered my own Lithium regimen...

...And I don't like it! I have a lot of things I need to uncover, a lot of things I need to do, a lot of things I need for my future...

I got into this mode of numbness once when I degenerated into a workaholic. Frankly, I had some issues I needed to deal with but in order to escape those I found work to be a pleasant way to not do what I had to do. "Great work! and "Good job!" came as a way to reinforce my attitude towards "more work and fu@# life!" But that was then. Today is now. I don't want to revert to that kind of attitude again because for one, I found my life to be not much of a life worth living at all and two, I hurt my loved ones in the first place by becoming the senseless being that i had become. And I don't want to repeat that again. I seriously don't.

So when 3 o'clock hit the clock, I zoomed right out of the gates. I'm off. I need to. I need to find my way into the world. I need to reflect. How did that saying go again? An examined life is a life worth living ---?

Now I'm here. I don't have to do anything for some time. That's good. Maybe, rather than dealing with what I have to do next at work, I can deal with who I want to call now.

History should never repeat itself. I like my life now.


At 9:47 AM, Blogger Lady S said...

Your Lithium is work LOLOLOLOLOLOL!!!!!!

You better hope they don't up the dosage!!!!!


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