Sunday, July 30, 2006

care for the blues, anyone?

there really are days when i feel burdened by the turns of life
by the times i could have, i should have
then the sore feeling of a wasted life, or a wasted opportunity
keeps taunting and not letting me be
times like this, i need somebody to hold me.
and tell me that it is ok.
that life can be so cruel to one's soul
but that she's here with me.
and this is all that matters
this is all that i want to hear.

Thursday, July 27, 2006

Another Pablo Casals... melo! para sa yo to!!!

"I love all the countries. I love America! I love America! I love Russia, I love every country. Every human being. But I condemn the politics of many of those countries."

Wednesday, July 26, 2006

Pablo Casals, 1876-1973, cellist-activist ---
"Confusion and fear have invaded the whole world. Misunderstood nationalism, fanaticism, political dogmas and lack of liberty and justice are feeding mistrust and hostility that make the collective danger greater everyday."
...don't really know how to describe the statement in the context of our day---
"an echo, don't you think?"

Thursday, July 20, 2006

The mood is my father's... the lyrics I share mine with him.

The Nearness of You
Norah Jones

It's not the pale moon that excites me
That thrills and delights me
Oh no
It's just the nearness of you
It isn't your sweet conversation
That brings this sensation
Oh no
It's just the nearness of you
When you're in my arms and I feel you so close to me
All my wildest dreams came true
I need no soft lights to enchant me
If you would only grant me the right to hold you ever so tight
And to feel in the night
The nearness of you

Tuesday, July 18, 2006

Ambassadors of Peace in Today's World of Hate...

I went and saw a band last Friday called saxon shore. They played instrumental music but mind you, even if I am a lyrics person, somehow, I enjoyed their music a lot. The sound is experimental, as the band tries to utilize what seems to be hundreds of different electronic sounds. I find it hypnotic in a way. I imagine Smashing Pumpkins play in long instrumental sounds with their music. And so, naturally, I feel home to the vibe. I also felt like it is akin to trance music, although I feel more akin to it (sorry ms. pinkipod! but it's true).

Then on Sunday, I watched PJ play their music with Ms. Pinkipod herself (and friends). I get the feel na they are more active now. I think they were even the same way back then, but I find their new lines more empowering, and Eddie even laid out his environmentalist sentiments. The songs they played are so real, pure emotions with lyrics that still blow your mind. And yet, following the trends of Green Day and others, they capture the will to survive by becoming socially active. No more running around in circles in your mind expressing directionless rage (though I don't deny they are equally symbollic of our times), their songs carry the message of hope. That we can effect a better future, if we take to do what we can do today.

Ambassadors of peace, to the truest sense of the word. The thing I like about music is that, like any art, it captures life. That art in a sense is powerful, because it speaks the truth; it does not lie. And yet the artists I have seen over the weekend takes their message to another level. It is about empowerment, in overcoming the hurdles in life by refocusing ourselves to construct a world we dream we can have someday. Someday...

Okay, Ms. Pinkipod. You win. Hail to the Chief!!! Long live Eddie!!!

Saturday, July 15, 2006


All this time, I have talked about my journey to understand what this constructive force is that binds humanity, the one worldview, the prism, the schema of our consciousness that speaks to what we must do, what we should do, what our inner souls after shedding its tears cry to transform this world we live in into a future we can be proud of ---for our children, for our friends, for ourselves, for our parents, for the "One". This emotional spring of motivational activity and perspective is sometimes referred to as "love," and I have so far treated myself as a subject journeying in discovery of this human trait, a natural treasure, priceless to the core, and at the very least beheld as miraculous and transforming.

But what I want to tell you now is what I have come to understand. That we are all fellow travelers, searching for that metamorphic realization, both metaphorical and material, of our lives, our essence, our being. I have a story to tell, as we all do, in this complex nature called life. And what I have to offer is a migrant story, with all the hellos and goodbyes, to friends and foes alike, to hopes, to dreams, to the "was" and to the anticipated "will". The way I am, how I perceive the world, how I long for a better future, I love and want to love, is in many ways brought up by the effects of migration.

I migrated in spatial terms, from the country where I was born to where I am now. I migrated temporally as well, from me ages ago to now. I also migrated in my thinking, and in my feeling. In effect, we are all migrants, but what is qualitatively different from my story and others (maybe yours, but then again maybe not) is that I migrated to a world completely foreign to what I had, and abrupt. I have had to struggle with the culture of a stranger-people, and in so many ways I resisted the change. But, in the sometimes satirical, sometimes ironical twist of things, I have found my place. In the continuous flow of the waters, I somehow came back home. Like Ursula LeGuin wrote in his book The Dispossessed,

"It was a joy to [Shevek] to come back... He would always be one for whom the return was as important as the voyage out. To go was not enough for him, only half-enough; he must come back..."

And then he adds,

" [But] 'you shall not go down twice to the same river, nor can you go home again.' That [Shevek] knew... [Yet] 'your relationship to the river, and the river's relationship to you and to itself, turns out to be at once more complex and more reassuring'... [Because,] 'you can go home again... so long as you understand that home is a place where you have never been.'"

I am slowly realizing that what I am now is brought about by the world I live in. In political parlance, I am influenced by the socio-economic and political forces of our times. Thus, personal is political. We all are affected by these forces, whether we are conscious or not. But the reverse is also true. In my doing of things, I affect the world, even in small ways. I then become political as well, because I want to. I want to help. I want to give back to my people, my family, my friends, my "love." And I am not saying this because I claim to be a puritan, nor do I claim to be the all-good superman-savior of the world. On the contrary, I can be the sadistic person, a thoughtless, heartless fanatic of some misplaced virtue, as I once was. Now I see that "loving" is the only way to go. It is the only thing that I find meaning. Maybe in a roundabout way, I am really doing this for myself, that I'm really being selfish, because I have to satisfy my longing by giving of myself to others. But this is foolish talk. It is in this crossroad of interests that the term selfish and selfless disappears, that the word "me" and "you" simply dissipates into thin air. It is in this understanding of life that I now find the converse of the phrase to be true --- that political IS personal.

I can really go on and on with this, but I think I better stop before I start to bore you. But before I stop, let me warn those who read this blog ---I will take this train of thought again some other time. So don't blame me if you get bored again. You are now forewarned.

Ok. That's all. :)

Wednesday, July 12, 2006


Who would you choose to marry? The one you love or one who loves you?

This is the question posed to me by friends of my age (youth in the 30s, of course!). They ask me this like it is the one question that would determine their lives, the one essential question for their "ever after" happiness (I guess in certain way that's true). Some of them are like me who have passed through a love and lost and wonder if another one of equal magnitude will come our way; thus, the argument goes something like time is moving and maybe it is good enough to settle for someone who loves you dearly because you will be infected by the love and will somehow learn to love the person as well. Others meanwhile try to contend with marrying the one they love but is having a hard time waiting and is being hurt by the other's capacity to "reciprocate"; in effect, how much the other loves them at this point in time.

Well, I would submit that it does not really matter how or who you choose. But the point is that you do choose, and you do commit yourself completely. A matter not to be taken lightly, even if there are so many complications surrounding it, and so many scenarios to justify either one or the other. What is more important is this ---that whichever way one chooses, one should understand that with the choice comes the following terms... that one must learn the following---

to love,
fall in love,
be in love, and
stay in love.

It does not matter how the sequence of events go, but the point is that one's life must be geared to complete these terms.

I'll requote this again, as it gains more and more meaning to me every time (an excerpt from the novel Five People You Meet in Heaven);

"People say they 'find' love, as if it were an object hidden by a rock. But love takes many forms, and it is never the same for any man and woman. What people find then is a certain love. And Eddie found a certain love with Marguerite, a grateful love, a deep and quiet love, one that he knew, above all else, was irreplaceable."

...And, oh yes! All of us, by the way, must also learn the humble art of giving, because, after all, in the end, this is what love and happiness is all about, right?

Friday, July 07, 2006

I was on my way to have a smoke today at work when I come across Val, a friendly face at work. I called his name as I usually do, "Val," I holler. He gives his own unique smile, and as we start walking together in the same direction, he says, "Now I want to talk to you. You are better now. When you were a janitor, you were agressive, and I was scared of you. Now I want to talk to you. You look like a scientist now. You're smart, and I see you're better. Now I feel better talking to you."

Much as I wanted to pretend, I know what he's saying. It is a statement of fact, a quiet observation by him of my soul that shines out in the way I talk, I dress, I stand, I walk, and especially how I reveal myself through my eyes. I then replied, "Well, if what you say is true, then why did you not help me?" He shrugs the comment off, but I kept on it, "Val, why did you not help me?" As I posed the question half-baked in the nature of comical relief, he answers, "That's you who have to iron it out yourself!" he says jeeringly, "'...not my problem." :)

As we separate our ways, him going about his work, and I doing my own stuff, I retort back to him while giving the 'I'm hurt' look. "Shame on you Val!" I said half-jokingly again, "You did not help me!"...

...It is true that the primary solver of a problem is oneself. However, in the complex nature of human relationships, we open ourselves to others, and in the process, we do (we do!!!) expect others to lend us a hand when we're in trouble. We get hurt when we are left alone to our own defenses. Come to think of it, nobody should be left alone ---nobody. Whatever it takes, we are all in this together. Of course, nobody can do anything to somebody who do not let others affect them. This is just the sad fate of affairs sometimes. But us helping to create an environment of support should be there nevertheless. That is our responsibility.

While I was putting it on him that he did not help me, I really didn't expect it to come from him. I was just merely teasing. But underneath the conversation, there is the moral lesson we all must learn ---that we should always find our way to extend a hand, make something constructive, create conditions of support, be there for each other. And, if we are the recipient of the gesture, we must find our way to open ourselves and let them help us, feel our pain, share and be brave enough to admit to our own weakness, for we are really only human.

While I sat on the sidewalk inhaling my first smoke, I forgave myself for not being brave enough to open up. For shutting myself off from the world and hurting others in the process, even the people I love. I promised myself not to do this ever again. Recently, a very dear friend told me, "If you need to run away and be alone, do so. But please, please, please. Don't take too long of a time to come back." I promised her that I won't, if she promised that she'll always be there for me. And of course, she said yes... because she can never resist me. (haha! ngek!)

Thursday, July 06, 2006

...Because we want to be,
We want to be
More than our eyes can see;

We want to be,
We want to be---

Death to Death
ca. 1996

Wednesday, July 05, 2006

I suppose I should say I am strong
Each time I talk to you
Every pain, every blow that strikes
Only reminds me of who you long to be
I can help you, I can lead you
To foreign shores
I will wreck my anchors to bleed
And bring you to him
I will tiptoe around your vast terrain
And water your forest with rain
Because I choose to make your mountains bloom
With the stroke of a pen, I give
I now let my heart drain empty
As it was filled by you
Like the ebbing of the tide
I now choose to subside...

...Should there be one space for glory
I will sacrifice myself for thee.