Tuesday, March 28, 2006


It is quite a weird feeling to be swirled by your emotions. Two weeks ago, I was riding the BART (i.e. LRT dito sa amin) and happen to notice another passenger. Woman that she is, she is fine. As in, she's like a magnet that, whatever iron there is inside you, gets easily sucked by her. Kumbaga para siyang hangin ng bagyo na hinahagis ka parang dahong palipad-lipad. So since I wasn't particularly doing anything but waiting for my stop, I simply just stared at her. She was talking to some of her friends, and laughing (giggling) at whatever I cannot really understand since we sit on opposite ends of the train. But by god! The way she portrays herself! That smile. The face that is fully lit like there's no tomorrow and there never was any painful past... Actually, it may even be an understatement to say that she is lovely. SHE IS MAGNIFICENT, I should say,... SHE IS QUITE AMAZING... SHE IS ---SO PROFOUNDLY BEAUTIFUL. (She also happened to look like one I made ligaw-ligaw in high school and who busted me so many times... Haha!)

Anyway, much as I pretended to not notice, I'm pretty sure she figured I was staring at her. Yet I just kept on staring. And I immerse myself in the feeling of the moment. "I let my emotions consume me," as some say. Little did I know that, not only does she gets off at the same station I do, she even goes to the same event I was going to and, to my delight, she was again at a stare-distance from me at the event. Yet, to cut the story short, I saw her again, in a really-weird-twist-of-fate, at a Filipino friend's party (did I say she's a Filipina?).

In the midst of all this, there are two things I want to say. The first thing is this ---People naturally gets attracted to one who is full of love. With her, I know she has it; I can see it in her eyes, in her gestures, in how she presents. Love emanates and shines over the people around her. And if you let it in you, you will love as well, as love can be very, very infectious.

The second thing is this ---that there's a difference between limerance and love. When you "limerate", you feel this intense emotion, a very strong infatuation, a swirling passion. According to psychologist Ellen McGrath, "Limerance lasts, on average, six months. It can progress to love. Most love in fact starts out as limerance, but most limerance never evolves into love." I'm not saying limerance is value-less. Quite the contrary, it is very valuable. It represents life and vitality. But please do not mistake it for love. I would not elaborate so much of my reflections these right now but just to say that love is a skill we learn to do (goodness! it may be the only skill that may show us the meaning of our lives), and that love is an activity and not passion (although passion is an added bonus when you love nonetheless).

So there. Anyway, I think this story with her will no doubt continue kasi magkakilala na kami. But even if nothing pans out, it's ok with me. I don't know if you have been keeping track of what I've been saying but I feel like with these past few months, I am being reborn. I am beginning to feel. This may not be important for others but it is to me. And she represents another milestone to the right path, much like what other people have shown me as well. And to all these I am forever grateful.

Like they say, "You can lead a horse to the water but you cannot make him drink." I am that horse. Ultimately I will have to find my way. And the way is this...

Let love infect you. Let love affect you. Let them in.

Monday, March 20, 2006

Just got a Natasha Bedingfield CD. Don't ask me why, just got the urge. Her lyrics are unbelievable! Some of the songs may need some polishing (in my opinion), but her UNWRITTEN song leaves the mark of a musician and a poet put together. The song's a message of hope, for embracing the future despite the pangs of the past. This song's for all ya'll stuck-in-the-mind, don't-know-what-to-do, always-thinking-and-not-feeling Libras. I think you guys better learn from those infectious, misunderstood, and all-heart Cancers. Hmmm, now I wonder what Natasha's sign is... Anyway, immerse yourselves in her words. Here it goes.

(Natasha Bedingfield)

I am unwritten, can't read my mind
I'm undefined
I'm just beginning, the pen's in my hand
Ending unplanned

Staring at the blank page before you
Open up the dirty window
Let the sun illuminate the words that you cannot find
Reaching for something in the distance
So close you can almost taste it
Release your inhibitions

Feel the rain on your skin
No one else can feel it for you
Only you can let it in
No one else, no one else can
Speak the words on your lips
Drench yourself in words unspoken
Live your life with arms wide open
Today is where your book begins
The rest is still unwritten

I break tradition, sometimes my tries are
Outside the lines
We've been conditioned to not make mistakes but
I can't live that way

Staring at the blank page before you
Open up the dirty window
Let the sun illuminate the words that you could not find
Reaching for something in the distance
So close you can almost taste it
Release your inhibitions

Feel the rain on your skin
No one else can feel it for you
Only you can let it in
No one else, no one else
Can speak the words on your lips
Drench yourself in words unspoken
Live your life with arms wide open
Today is where your book begins

Feel the rain on your skin
No one else can feel it for you
Only you can let it in
No one else, no one else
Can speak the words on your lips
Drench yourself in words unspoken
Live your life with arms wide open
Today is where your book begins
The rest is still unwritten...

Monday, March 13, 2006

Getting Hooked on Blog

Damn. I think I'm getting hooked in front of computers again. I remember the college days when I'm on a computer in school until 4 or 5 in the morning just surfing the internet. I don't think I can top that now. But having wide open communication access using blogs is actually quite alright!!!

...It can open up a conversation with an old friend.

Take care.

Sunday, March 12, 2006


Cousins, nephews, son. Mix and match. Guess who's who. But don't forget to say "aaah!" ...Great expressions. Love 'em.

Friday, March 10, 2006

“Cold Cold Heart”
(Norah Jones/ Hank Williams)

I tried so hard my dear to show that you’re my every dream.
Yet you’re afraid each thing I do is just some evil scheme
A memory from your lonesome past keeps us so far apart
Why can’t I free your doubtful mind and melt your cold cold heart

Another love before my time made your heart sad and blue
And so my heart is paying now for things I didn’t do
In anger unkind words are said that make the teardrops start
Why can’t I free your doubtful mind,and melt your cold cold heart

You’ll never know how much it hurts to see you sat and cry
You know you need and want my love yet you’re afraid to try
Why do you run and hide from lies,to try it just ain’t smart
Why can’t I free your doubtful mind and melt your cold cold heart

There was a time when I believed that you belonged to me
But now I know your heart is shackled to a memory
The more I learn to care for you,the more we drift apart
Why can’t I free your doubtful mind and melt your cold cold heart


You have won. Finally. You have broken through to my heart. And now it is able to burst in tears. I can feel!! My goodness!!! The joy even in pain of actually experiencing life, of capturing moments, of dancing in the rain, of being able to feel you even in your absence.

And in between the memories and the fantasy, is the Janus-faced reality. No words can express my gratitude for you being there for me. For the love that you gave, for all the support, for all our experiences of living together (catching moments, fleeting time),... and in your choice of "death" only to give me "life." You have given me hope when I had none. You have shown me how to love when I chose to hate. My God! I cannot bear to think of all the pain that you have gone through for me. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. I wish that I could take away all those things and the madness I've put you through. I wish I could erase all your pain and replace it with memories of new.

But such were the choices that led to my fate. And no matter how I beg to the stars, there are certain things that just has to be. Memories are made to be remembered and not replaced.

So I only hope that you find the love that you have been looking for. And I hope that life will return you to the place you deserve to be ---of golden hearts, of playful children in the rain, of joyous sharing of laughter and time, of tenderness and oneness as you lay down.

And know that where you are happy, in my heart of hearts I rather you be. I have found the love that transcends my pain of losing you. And I hope you find it too.

I can't forget you, but I will not let your love go to waste. I promise.


Thursday, March 09, 2006


Di ko alam kung bakit ko pino-post ito. Di naman to yung pinakikinggan ko lately.

But in any case, this is Pearl Jam at its best for me. Given the upbeat tune and the super-sad lyrics plus the visions of unrealized love full of regrets as well as the reality of life lived in "phases", the song is full of the dualistic nature of life in various combinations. My problem is I just can't seem to remember the melody. This one's for you manang. Just relish in the vitality of springing emotions.

Here it goes.


Oh where, oh where, can my baby be?
The Lord took her away from me.
She's gone to heaven so I've got to be good,
So I can see my baby when I leave this world.

We were out on a date in my daddy's car,
We hadn't driven very far.
There in the road straight ahead,
A car was stalled, the engine was dead.
I couldn't stop, so I swerved to the right,
I'll never forget the sound that night.
The screaming tires, the busting glass,
The painful scream that I heard last.


When I woke up, the rain was falling down,
There were people standing all around.
Something warm flowing through my eyes,
But somehow I found my baby that night.
I lifted her head, she looked at me and said;
"Hold me darling just a little while."
I held her close I kissed her - our last kiss,
I found the love that I knew I had missed.
Well now she's gone even though I hold her tight,
I lost my love, my life that night.


Tuesday, March 07, 2006

Industrial Psychology

I had a training session earlier at work talking about the different reinforcement mechanisms to promote safe behavior in the workplace. I am actually impressed by how far the program has gone from disciplining you if you get hurt on the job, or at least you are considered "guilty until proven innocent" kind of thing; to talking about positive and negative reinforcements. One thing I learned in Behavioral Psychology is this: PUNISHMENTS NEVER WORK!!! One can minimize the current behavior pattern with punishment, but when the threat of punishment is lifted (as in the parent dies or children get older), the previous "bad behavior" rebounds to an even higher level. So it's quite relaxing to notice that the Company is actually maturing to a certain degree in how they handle organizational behavior.

But let me go a step further. The trainer goes on to ask why we should practice positive and negative reinforcement. The group then gave a series of answers, ranging from "to increase better behavior", "to minimize risks and damage", "to change culture", "because it is a more effective way than punishment" to "lowering down costs attributed to injuries." Mind you, these are great answers. To a psychologist these are the answers you expect. Even the boss would be pleased. But stepping away from it all, I began to feel sad at the nature of what I see, being that what I see in this training session is but a microcosm of our larger society.

No one in the group ever said what should be a pretty obvious answer. Of course, we should practice positive and negative reinforcements because it is the right thing to do. But when asked why we do it, I expected the answer to be ---BECAUSE WE CARE ABOUT EACH OTHER!!! WE HURT WHEN ONE OF US GETS HURT!!! BECAUSE AT THE END OF THE DAY, WE DO, ACTUALLY, DO LOVE EACH OTHER...

But why wasn't this ever brought up? A child would have easily given this answer. What happened to us? I realized that even psychologists miss the whole point of why we do what we do. I missed the point. We are all bogged down with trying to make things right that we (or at least I) then forget the reasons as to why.

We care. At least we should. And we'll learn, I know. I just hope we become better at life sooner than later. And I think we actually will.

Monday, March 06, 2006

Walking Through Puddles and Mud

It's past 12 midnight. I just got home from the two-hour trip from Sac to San Leandro. Against what most people say, I'm not a slow driver; just "careful" especially driving in pouring rain with my beat-up car.

It was a great weekend for me. Got finished reading Tuesdays with Morrie (Mitch Albom) and I'm gonna start his I guess more famous book, Five People You Meet in Heaven (one of my dear friends told me one of the character in the book was named after me, haha!). Helping out my brother is always fulfilling (even though sometimes it gets to be mere obligation). But the fun came with hanging out with family. Cousins, nephews, my sister and brother, aunt, mom, and in-laws. Played Texas hold 'em, foam soccer with Kidlat, babysit EJ, talked heart-to-heart with aunt and uncle about life and stuff, teased my mom, did some lifting (bayanihan style) as we laughed at ourselves through the muscle pains.

I appreciate the closeness of the family. Without them, I may be in a different place now. Here is where I first found a loving community, and a lot of it, all of us agree, had been fostered by my grandmother who we all called "Ina" (even non-family members call her by that name). Someone told me that people find their sense of being, or their purpose and happiness in life, with their family; it is in this core that they are most able to be themselves, not be afraid of being denied, and mingling and sharing life that we humans all long to. It is in this unit that we have the most chance to call a home.

But my question is this: Why can't we call the world our home? We call our family our home, and we also call our home country our home. I told a friend that I haven't felt home here in the US because my home is still in PI. She said she feels home here where she's at. I suspect that she feels at home wherever she is, which I envy, of course.

Whoever said "home is where the heart is" is entirely correct. We can feel at home with our family, with our country, or even feel at home in the world. We can build a home with someone, as easily as we can destroy it. Precious and fragile things needs special handling, so Depeche Mode says. The only problem we have sometimes is that we do not know what our hearts truly want or, if we do know, how we can sustain the loving relationships we enter into, which in the end constitutes what we'd call home.

Strangely, we also lock our homes (or houses) supposedly for security purposes. But aren't we really, like what Bowling for Columbine potrays, merely locking ourselves away from the rest of the world into becoming our home? And even if we can justify putting locks on our doors, how can we build a future society so that we do not have to (menos pa sa gastos di ba?)

As for me, I long to be entirely with the world as my home. How in the heck can that happen? Well, the long road always start with the first step, right? I believe now I am on the right track. In building loving human relationships and struggling against social oppression (what other people call negative energy), we can create the world as our home; where kids can talk to each other and say, "Tara na, laro tayo!" "Saan?" "Kahit saan!" "Sige! Ayos!!!!"

Sunday, March 05, 2006

Family's around right now. Everybody's here helping out with my brother's business. My help comes most with moral support as I don't have money, nor muscles really, to help. (ngee!) Anyhow, my nephew, Kidlat got to my blog so I ask him to type in what he wants to tell to the whole world. And what does he write??? Quite a simple greeting but it speaks a lot. See, I would never just say hi cause I I'm always bogged down with saying more than waht's necessary, and I would not put a million "!!!" cause I am not that hyped up, not like him, haven't been in a long while (tsk!tsk!). Come to think of it, he reminds me of the tiny yellow bird in Peanuts saying, "!!!!!!!!!!!!!," while his other tiny-yellow-bird-friend replies, "!"

Anyhow, My brother and his wife named him Kidlat, after her college professor Kidlat Tahimik (KT) in UP Baguio (I think). KT is a very well respected director producer of critical films. One of my high school batchmate is KT's son. I was at Reel Videos one time in Berkeley and saw KT's Turumba, a 1984 film, and as I watched it, I gasped at his simplicity yet his profound message comes across. After watching Turumba, you would say "What the heck!" and "Wow!" in a single sentence. I would watch all his movies but there seem to be a lack of supply here in the US of A.

Saturday, March 04, 2006

from kidlat.

Friday, March 03, 2006

Got a "splurge" of something. This something is for someone. I think she knows who she is. Bitin a little bit. The more explicit version, of course I keep. Hehe!



How can a man make a woman stop looking at yonder,
For what she seeks stands right beside her,
Only if she sees the soul that speaks
Not of ambition but of life and love
And understanding...
...Sweet talks and reminiscing,
...Laughter and intimate mingling,
Spice up the bone,
Lips, neck, navel, bossoms,
Thighs... and yes,
...Lest I forget,
Of home sweet home!