Kites.

I remember as a kid I used to fly kites with my cousins (tons of them!). WE go out in the fields in the back of our house (tebeng!) and look up in the sky. Every now and then, some other pack comes flying their own sets of kites. Then it's gametime ---dogfighting!!! With "bubog" on the string, the kites fight in the air. The kites join together in midair, their strings starting to grab each other. Keep on tugging it! There! Keep on tugging it!!! You're close! Just keep on pulling!!! Keep on pulling... That's it. A little more, a little more ---Look! LOOK!!!... YES!!!! WE GOT 'EM! WE GOT EM! WE GOT 'EM!!!!! AYOS! HAHAHAHAHA!!!!

...Then of course, there are times when we lose. I cry. We cry. We were kids. We don't know any better. We don't know even that by the time we grow up we will be flying a different kind of kite, one that makes you look into the air but this time also fly...

I lost a kite once. It was sunny when it happened. My heart broke into millions of pieces. After that, I never flew a kite again...

Now, it's been a long time since I flew one. But I've been talking about flying kites for some time now. I wonder how it feels. I wonder how it would still feel...

So I'm gonna fly a kite again. Actually, I think it already flew.

Scene 1: (after hours of IM chit-chatting about life and all, catching up with lost time)

Girl: "hey, i found this song..."

Boy: "ayoko!"

Girl: "at bakit? di naman ako kakanta?"

Boy: "basta!!!"

-----------------------

Scene 2: (pumayag na si pakipot na boy, tapos...)

Boy: "so, can I hear you sing it?"

Girl: "nope but listen, bagay yan sa atin nung unang panahon..." "if i were to give it to you with a note, it'll be - 'here's to what we had, to who we were...'"

Boy: "It captures it so much, my... It sent me back with you..." "It's beautiful. I LOVE IT!!!"

===============================

I Don't Wanna Sing
Stephen Speaks

Here I am stuck in a rut again
Just me, a blanket, a memory and a pen
I should probably go outside and find a place to play
But it's not the same when you're fifteen hours away

So I'll sit here a while and write a song
But it feels all wrong

Cause I don't wanna sing when you're not listening
I don't wanna go anywhere that you don't follow
I don't wanna be here when you're not with me
Cause no matter what I do it's better with you

I drift off to a dream and hold your hand again
A picture perfect scene with your hair against the wind
I pull you a little closer to fill the space between
When our love's as old as timeand our hearts are seventeen

But I'll wake in a while, and sing a song
And it feels all wrong

Cause I don't wanna sing when you're not listening
I don't wanna to anywhere that you won't follow
I don't wanna be here when you're not with me
Cause no matter what I do it's better with you

It's better with you
It's better with you

Cause I don't wanna sing when you're not listening
I don't wanna to anywhere that you won't follow
I don't wanna be here when you're not with me
Cause no matter what I do it's better with you

An old poem that reveals itself to me over and over again. To all you S&M folks out there ---shhhhhh!!!! listen! this one's for you.

=========================================

Why do we hurt the people we care about
Why do we find pleasure in pain;
In the heavens the sun chases the moon

Here on earth we find death in life
Joy after sorrow
Sky after rain;

Is it true that god creates in pairs
That the world knows none of one
Without the knowledge of the other;

And maybe, just maybe
We ask for good
By bargaining with the devil
For freedom by the sword;

And we induce the birth of the child
By accepting the labor pains
We quench our thirst for love
By turning our backs on them;

And we cut ourselves first
Sometimes deeply
In order to receive some grace
…And some morphin
The classic case of conditioning.

Guess who was the recipient of this email... Kawawa naman... she has to survive the melodrama >:) (I would really want to edit this, borderline personal kasi, pero I think I'll survive blurting it out to the whole world. I still have plenty secrets kept anyway...)

Disclaimer: This is meant to be harmless. Patawa lang.
----------------------------------------------
Dear ______,

So, japayuki ka na pala, ha? Kumusta naman dyan? Kailan ka pa dyan, and why? Cute din ba mga anak mo? (Hehe! huwag kang masyadong makilig ha?)

Ako. Well, like all of us, we have already traveled a fair amount since high school di ba? I went to college, pero hanggang ngayon, hindi ko pa tapos. Something that I need to close in which I'm getting serious about it again. Nalulong kasi ako eh!... ooops! hindi sa droga no? Sa trabaho. Been in this place (the company) for 10 years na. One reason why it's taking me so long to graduate. Kasi may pera na, kasi walang panahong mag-aral, kasi... kasi!kasi!kasi-kasi!!! Hehe! But syempre, gaya nga ng sinasabi ko, "If there's a will, there's a way. But if the will's not there, well, there's a lot of excuses one can make!" Actually, na-aktibo rin ako sa unyon. Was representing over 500 folks. It was a good experience, for all it's worth. I was able to use a lot of skills I learned in Pisay, syempre... like public humiliation and jogging around campus 10 times (yaiks!). I step down after one term cause I needed to make some time for other parts of my life din.

Which brings me to my love life, and how I see the world today (I'll reserve this for later emails). Hmmm... let me see. I was in a 6-yr relationship with somebody. Broke up about a year ago. We could have made it, I know. But I messed up, not in cheating or anything. This I'm actually proud of myself, that I never cheated in my life. I think I respect women enough to not do something "stupid." The problem is that I never really opened my all to her. I didn't, so our relationship became "stagnant" (her favorite term). Now I wish I could have done it differently, that I should have broken down all my defense mechanisms I built between me and the world over time, so I can share myself to her. But, syempre, hindsight is always 20/20. And past is only there to teach you how to be better, diba? I think you told me this one time, when you were mad at me. I remembered you quite recently, and even if I still think I did nothing wrong (haha!), I am still sorry if I hurt you then.

Anyway, short kwento ko na to. I'm been in this mode of reconnecting to long-lost friends. I wish magkwento ka rin, I wish I can see your cute face again. Haha!

Ingat,
jand

Tanginenets Nitoy! Kupal mo din!!! Para sa yo to!!! Pakinggang mong mabuti, baka may mapapala ka pa. Madali lang naman kasi eh! Basta tandaan mo lang... MATIRA MATIBAY!!!

...Kulang na lang, ampunin mo ko eh! Loko-loko! Salamat kahit papa'no.

Pagsubok
Orient Pearl

Isip mo'y litong lito
Sa mga panahong nais mong malimot
Bakit ba bumabalakid
Ang iyong mundong ginagalawan
Ang buhay ay sadyang ganyan
Sulirani'y di mapigilan
Itanim mo lang sa 'yong pusong
Kaya mo yan....

Pagkabigo't alinlangang
Gumugulo sa isipan
Mga pagsubok lamang 'yan
Huwag mong itigil ang laban
Huwag mong isuko....at 'yong labanan

Huwag mong isiping ikaw lamang
Ang may madilim na kapalaran
Hindi ikaw tatalikuran
Ng ating Ama na siyang lumikha
Hindi lang ikaw ang nagdurusa
At hindi lang ikaw ang lumuluha
Pasakit mo'y may katapusan
Kaya mo 'yan....

Pagkabigo't alinlangang
Gumugulo sa isipan
Mga pagsubok lamang 'yan
Huwag mong itigil ang laban
Huwag mong isuko....at 'yong labanan

Now I know why PJ says their recent album gave them the hardest time but the best album they bore. The problem is that their following thrives on their old songs of despair. But they've come around it, full circle. They want to tell them something. They want to make them understand. Their newest album brings about a new message, a new theme, a new dimension, a prism, to view things. Who knows, maybe they've achieve what they set out to achieve ---PEOPLE! STOP BLEEDING!!! DON'T FIGHT EACH OTHER. DON'T WASTE YOUR LIFE!!! THEIR IS HOPE, THEIR IS POWER IN DOING SOMETHING TO PREVENT A WORLDWIDE SUICE...

There is nothing more in this world that I long for than to see your face happy and your heart smile.

Don't really know what to write...
Don't really have an inclination to say anything...
I'm just trying to absorb whatever things that come...
Or am just tired or anxious of whatever state I'm in...
Times like this, I don't really know how to feel..
But inspite of this, I know that---

I want to visit my father's grave.
I want to see my good friend Daj and his now family.
I want to visit my folks in Pangasinan.
I want to talk to my cousin and figure out when he plans to get married.
I want to take a stroll sa Pisay.
I want to say hi to somebody I hold dear to my heart.
I want to eat chico (I dreamt of it last night).
I want to share some time and laughter and catch up with friends.
I want to reconnect.
I want to sit by a beach, look at the waves, and capture the time.

And most especially, I want to share this time.

A LITTLE EXPERIMENT IN (not-so) MODERN TAGALOG VERSE...

[untitled]

Baby ko, baby ko
Ano ang nasa puso mo?
Iba-ibang kalikasan mula kanluran at silangan
Ngunit ano mang landas ang nais mong tahakan
Puso mong mamon, tila tuluyang nababaon
Hangin ma’y sinusubukang hawakan...
Sa isang munting palasyo sa tabi ng dagat
O sa ilalim ng bato sa gitna ng gubat
Baby ko, baby ko
Saan ang iyong tungo?

Disclaimer: The article below do not present any authoritative position that has been thoroughly tested. At best, it is a crudely arranged introspective analysis that may offer possible novel approaches to a psychological conclusion. It is also certainly based only on a few anecdotal observations by the author of the general sampling population.

=================================================

WHY DO "EVERY GIRL" FALL FOR "BADBOYS" RATHER THAN GOOD ONES?

A Psychological Inquiry

Objective: To be able to understand the mechanisms of women's cognitive behavior and the criteria they use to behaviorally select their mate; to relate the results of the study with present social problems and the study's implications on styles of therapy, as in marriage counseling sessions and divorce proceedings.

Background: The experiment originated from a friend-of-the-author's interest in attempting to elucidate the causes behind why so many women fall in love with men who we now call "bad boys". It has been shown that a certain population of women fall apart as the relationship with a bad-boy unfolds from the initial mutual attraction to either marital abuse or suicide. Furthermore, it has been portrayed in cultural stereotypes (especially in mass media) that men who are what can be loosely termed “academic” normally do not stimulate the sexuality of women and that women tend to be more “lured” at the prospect of"bad-boys". For example, in the movie True Lies, the woman-protagonist attempts to have an affair with who she thought to be a good-looking, adventurous guy, a supposed agent of a covert operation (but is really only perpetrating a false persona). The woman-protagonist, nevertheless, is incessantly looking for “the one exciting man” (i.e. a badboy) who will be able to fulfill her every womanly desires. According to her, her husband is preoccupied with other things, and that she finds her husband “boring.” She wants excitement, something that will bring about every bit of her senses alive. Little did she know that her husband actually had these kinds of attribute; however, a hidden "agent" life, which when discovered, she found that what she is looking for has been in her husband all along. Ultimately, they eventually shared this life of being “agents” and lived happily thereafter; whereas, the fake "badboy", ended up miserably by the method of "pee-ing in his pants"… (Moral Story: there is always a kernel of truth in every lie and a lie in every truth) ...

Hypothesis: It is the author's belief that there are real attributes to a "bad-boy" that clearly appeal (and justifiably so) to "every-woman". “Bad-boy” persons are stereotypically risk-takers, adventurous, and confident. They easily portray being less reluctant to do things they want and that they would adamantly find ways to get it. In terms of decision-making, they often do not seem to be affected by other people's views or opinions (even in unfortunate instances to the detriment of the woman) and this is then perceived as machismo personality…Although, in effect, what "bad-boy" men really represent in the perception of women is every person's need to connect to something "real", of persons having a set of attributes that is both socially constructive and active.

It is hence the author’s belief that what women cognitively want (consciously or unconsciously) is somebody who is not afraid to show the real self of the person. Some psychologists theorize that the actual fulfillment between two people and the actual satisfaction and happiness comes not in whether the man is "good" or "bad," but rather the ability for two humans to fully interact and infect each other constantly, sharing time, laughter, and tears, and immersing themselves into the world, together ---actual human attitudinal behaviors that serve the purpose of psychological self-fulfillment. In effect, that they both love each other immensely, that they both commit themselves to do so, and that they both risk the possibility of "every-pain".

.

Methodology: (in progress)

.

Experimental Data and Analysis: (to be determined).

Today, I just feel like fighting somebody. Anybody... any takers?!!!

MY ROOM IS A MESS... Mukhang Room 328 Boys Dorm Annex!!! :)

---------------------------------------

Anyway, I think I'm feeling bad for what's going on with a couple of my friends (except for Christian, who says things are going really well for him... for this I'm happy!!!)

I was talking to someone the other day and over the conversation, somehow, I just had to say it. "Kumusta ka na ba talaga? (How are you doing, really?)" She was dumbfounded at first, but after I told her that she can't really hide anything from me, that I know her all too well, she gave a sigh and said, "Pagod na akong mabuhay. Mahirap! (I'm tired living. It's...hard!!!)" I told her not to say that. That I am just about ready to cry. I should have said that I miss her old self, but rather I said something similar, "I like to see you regain your self back, as much as I'm trying to regain mine."

At some point in our lives, things happen beyond our control. We succumb to defeat, and it hurts us deeply. Then somehow, it is so hard to bail ourselves out of our fears. We end up not wanting to take risks anymore because it hurts so much. Sometimes, we just "wing it". We just go through the motions of mundane life. But that is not what life is all about.

We have to somehow regain what we lost. The vitality of who we really are. We have to. It is not right for ourselves, it is not right for our friends for us to continue holding back. Sometimes, it takes time. That's okay. But let's not take too long. Life is too precious to hold out of...

...I long to see my friends happy. I'll do everything I can. So we can just sit down and have a cup of coffee--- sip! and just enjoy the beauty of the day.

If you want to be with someone...

Do you have to conquer her?
i.e. Do you have to possess her?
i.e. Do you have to make her yours?
i.e. Do you have to "own" her all for yourself?

Somehow, it makes me wonder who you want to be with...
The living or the dead?

There is bare beauty in "eating" each other and feeling full rather than leaving each other a climactic void. How to do this is the real question.

Billy's inspiration ---now I see why his lyrics can be so penetrating;

-----out of this world and in it at the same time.

Thirty-Three

Smashing Pumpkins

.

Speak to me in a language I can hear
Humour me before I have to go
Deep in thought I forgive everyone
As the cluttered streets greet me once again
I know I can't be late, supper's waiting on the table
Tomorrow's just an excuse away
So I pull my collar up and face the cold, on my own
The earth laughs beneath my heavy feet
At the blasphemy in my old jangly walk
Steeple guide me to my heart and home
The sun is out and up and down again
I know I'll make it, love can last forever
Graceful swans of never topple to the earth
And you can make it last, forever you
You can make it last, forever you
And for a moment I lose myself
Wrapped up in the pleasures of the world
I've journeyed here and there and back again
But in the same old haunts I still find my friends
Mysteries not ready to reveal
Sympathies I'm ready to return
I'll make the effort, love can last forever
Graceful swans of never topple to the earth
Tomorrow's just an excuse
And you can make it last, forever you
You can make it last, forever you

THE GREATEST CHALLENGE OF MY LIFE---

is to be...

fully...human.

This sounds so much like Counting Crows. Coincidentally obvious ---the song.
Sounds like someone I know.

Boston
Augustana

In the light of the sun
Is there anyone?
Oh it has begun
Oh dear, you look so lost
Eyes are red and tears are shed
Some world you must have crossed

You said, You don’t know me
You don’t even care
Oh yeah
She said, you don’t know me
You don’t wear my chains
Oh yeah - yeah

The essential yet appealed
Carry all your thoughts cross an open field
When flowers gaze at you
They’re not the only ones
Who cry when they see you

You said, You don’t know me
You don’t even care
Oh yeah
She said, you don’t know me
You don’t wear my chains
Oh yeah

She said, I think I’m going to Boston
I think I’ll start a new life
I think I’ll start it over
No one knows my name
I’ll get out of California
I’m tired of the weather
I think I’ll get a lover
I’ll fly ‘em out to Spain

I think I’m going to Boston
I think that I’m just tired
I think I need a new town
To leave this all behind
I think I need a sunrise
I’m tired of the sunset
Here it’s nice in the summer
Some snow would be nice
Oh yeah

Boston
No one knows my name
Yeah
No one knows my name
No one knows my name…

Boston
No one knows my name

Every now and then, a wall stands between me and the people around me. I swing between pain and numbness. I can't cry.

ILAGAY NYO KO SA LISTAHAN NG MGA BALIW!!!
---------------------------------

What a freak! Crazy... crazy, crazy, crazy!!!

Pero, kung ako man ay tanungin, I did experience craziness, right down to the core. Has anybody heard of MD? Nope, not the masters degree that you all hold. And yes! "What's going on in Major D's head" (a paper I once wrote). Although, psychologically-speaking, if you place yourself in the bell-curves of mental traits to diagnose what kind of disorder you have, you will find that everyone, including you, has some mental instability. Nobody is sane. Everybody is crazy!!! Crazy! Hah! You crazy you!!!... Yep! I know that you will deny insanity. And don't worry, you're not insane. People who have really gone insane actually know that they are insane. I knew. I have gone through it. The only good part about it is that I have not taken any medications. But then again maybe that's the reason why it took me so long.

I'll tell you guys a bit of my experience. One aspect of my depression were times when I would sleep (SLEEEEEEEEEPP!!!) for days. I could not wake up. I want to, but I can't. I'm stuck in bed. Worse, at the end-part of the second day, I will experience some kind of an electrical shock. The sensation is intense enough that it would paralyze my body for many seconds. Then comes relaxation. And then another series of shock again. Somehow, I manage to get off it, but I always feel this constant pain in the lower back of my head.

I also know I was depressed because I secretly wanted someone to help me out but somehow I could not muster enough strength to seek it. Somehow, I wanted somebody to rescue me but I cannot speak it out. At the time, I tried hard to get myself out of bed, tried to imagine happiness, pretend that everything is okay,... but it never seemed to work. The more I try to bail myself out of it, the worse it gets. At some point I knew that I was on a downward spiral and that I can never get out. Worse, I knew that my life was closing in on me, that the shadows are ever present, that I am forever alone in this dark, damned place, that life ---has lost its entire meaning. In psychological terms, I have what they call learned helplessness. Translated personally, I died, because I felt that there was no hope left for me.

There were times when I never answered phone calls. I don't want to talk to friends. I do things by sheer forcing myself to do so with no motivation whatsoever. I do things because it needs to be done, not because I want to. I never talk about myself. People I talk to always wondered how they can talk forever about their lives to me and yet they feel that I am a distant shadow, elusive, like a ghost even, cold as white; because they never know a single thing about me. I listen to their stories, and give them advice. But I never gave mine. Only because I did not think my life had significance.

However, in spite of all the downfall and the senseless living, I somehow managed to bring myself out of depression. Don't get me wrong. It is not solely me that played a part on this. John Donne is right. No man is an island, entire of itself... People. Real people. Humans. Fellow travelers of the land. The were here all along. They are family. They are together with each other, and I am in their midst. But I just chose myself to not be part of it, of them. To not let them in. Yet I somehow came to a crossroad, a fork in the road, and I had to choose again between living or being dead, of embracing love or formenting hate, of holding back my feelings or letting them in. And so I chose. And a new life began to unravel before my eyes. Thank god I didn't do a Van Gogh.

It's a long road to get back to living again. It's still a long road. But I've started the trek once more. And guess what? What do you know? All of you are traveling with me all along, all this time. "Hah!" I say, "What a serendipitous surprise!"

------------------------------

LEARNING THE ROPES

Fresh hands
Fresh face
Freshly cut hair
Newly washed clothes
And a genuine smile
Relishing the sun
Learning how to walk
Learning how to care
Including one's own self
Learning how to love
Overcoming the fear and the pain
Learning how to be one's self
In the presence of the world
The people,
The one.
Learning that it's okay, it's okay.
To cry.
Learning how to cherish the moment as they come.

Pagod si ako. Pambihirang day-off naman to. Kaysa sa makapagpahinga eh sakit-sakit na ng katawan ang inabot. Buti lang sana kung naka-score. Tsk. Tsk. Dibale, supersaya naman ang araw.

Kaya eto na lang muna. Another [untitled]. Taken the day before May. Theme is about the budding of spring (Grrrrr!!%$%%#& alang magko-comment dito at malilintikan kayo!!!)